A Real Blog Entry?

Yep. A full on blog entry. Deal with it. Walk it off.

So yeah I actually meant to make a vlog last night, but I ended up taking a nap and catching up on my internettage instead. Then I intended to make one this evening, but had my dinner and downloaded a bunch of musics for Patrizio's portay instead.

So I thought I'd do a blog instead, considering it's sitting here, and I'm in one of my moods again. You know the one I was in when I took a shower fully dressed? Yeah that one. I always get it late at night, and nearly always get it from talking on msn. It's weird my heart kind of feels fuzzy. Which is a really weird thing to put on a blog, but hell, let's see if this sharing your feelings thing actually works.

So do you know anyone who you love to bits but you find yourself really drained after talking to them for a while? Yeah I do, and it sucks just a bit. Cos I'm just so tired of the whole thing. Like everything to do with this person and well actually people, there's more than one. And one of the things that's probably the reason I'm so tired is that I have to keep up a pretty much constant front when I'm with them/talking to them (by talking to I do mean msn, obviously I don't converse through speech like a normal person). Like all the time, and it's really starting to wreck my head.

I'll have nobody guessing who it is I mean, by the way, for arguments' sake, we'll say it's YOU! *points at you, yes you, no not you, behind you, yes you*

So yeah I'm tired because I'm pretending to these people all the god damn time. And I'd rather not pretend, I lie enough as it is to do a whole extra bout of lying on top of that, but it's one of those things you just can't not. If you're not in favour, you say nothing. I mean, there's nothing you can do except wait it out. And lie. For all you're worth.

You know this is quite a depressing first blog entry. I probably ought to go back to doing quotes like a good girl, but I do the boxing up of emotions so often I have to do something to sort of, I don't know, give myself a break I suppose. But don't worry I'll be going back to merry quotes-writing Lisa in the next one.

I wonder if I'll even bother posting this. Meh I probably will. Too tired to care.

You know what else I hate? Self-obsessed people. Now I know I'm pretty much as selfish as they come, but you know, at least I have basic manners. I recently had a running text conversation with someone (some people will know who, cos I was complaining about it) and this conversation ran over a couple of days, during which I did not see this person. And not once, out of the 15 or so texts I received, did this person ask me how I was, a basic common courtesy one asks, even when you don't give a crap. Not once did they say, hope you're having a good time, how's Lanzarote (where I was) or any basic pleasantry such as. Everything they said was to do with them, or something that affected them, and the only time they asked something to do with me was when it had something to do with them. "Enough about me, what do you think of me?"

And I'm just so tired. I'm praying to a God I don't really believe in for summer. I can't handle the exams now, I'm going to fail them anyway. I just want it to be summer. And the prospect of being away from everything for July and August is sounding more and more appealing. I'll go to the beach, and I'll make my vlogs, and I'll post them when I walk down to the bar in my thin brown blondeness. And I won't have to deal with any of this shite anymore.
- That's how superficial I am by the way, I'm convinced I'll feel better if I look better. But I will I know I will. It's ridiculous to think I wouldn't be happy to be pretty.

Just buggered off to do a bit of youtube surfing and feeling a bit better now. Also helps that I'm not talking to one of the exhausting people any more.

So I went away for a while and had a bit of a think and a ponder and a muse. And now I'm back and I've thought about a few things about myself. And you, you lucky devil(s) get to hear about it. This contemplative mood was set off by Alex aka Nerimon's blog that I was reading earlier, which is all contemplative and thinky.

No I'm not doing it all again. For fuck's sake. I just did a huge bit of writing, all see into my soul kind of bollocks. And it's all gone, all of it. It's fucking gone. Now I'm fucking pissed off.

You're better off really.

So too sum up what I had said before, and no explanation, that is your punishment.

• I am a ridiculously jealous person, angry jealous, scream and throw things kind of jealous.
• I love people too much/easily and would readily die for friends who have no intention of returning the favour.
• I am sick to death of lying, but as there is no foreseeable end to the situation, I'll have to keep doing so, could be the end of the summer, could be years.
• I am aware that these are not real problems, and that I'm lucky in a thousand different ways
• I am not looking at the big picture because I'm too fucking tired. Because these people are killing my will to not be selfish (go play free rice on my behalf and help the people in Burma with real problems)
• The people who I am talking about must never know it is them I am talking about. Because I would die. Which is why I'm putting it on the internet.

Fucking hell that had taken like an hour (give or take time to talk to Emma and watch a couple of videos)

Well nighty noo my children, and don't worry it will be lying merry Lisa with some quotes or perhaps an amusing anecdote next time:)