(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
(720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
(484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
(850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
(850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
(405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
(406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
(734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
(1-734): what was she crying about?
(734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
(919): i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
(978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
(972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
(402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
(1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
(619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
(716): do you not see the irony in that??
(818): I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
(250): Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
(1-250): I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
(559): Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE !!!!!!!
(440): I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
2 comments:
MAN. These people are LEGENDS.
I really shouldn't have read this in the IT building. I'd imagine the other people in the room are wondering why I'm snorting loads while trying to suppress my laughter...
Post a Comment